A Relic From '06

A couple years ago, in a very rare fit of (unwarranted) confidence in my abilities as a writer, I submitted something for a DC political humor Web site's open submission contest. I promptly did not win.

I believe the assignment was to write George Bush's post-presidency cover letter, when he'd hypothetically be applying for a new job and describing his accomplishments as president. I recently discovered my submission in a folder I rarely open, and lest it sit on my hard drive forever gathering electronic dust, here it is. (In light of recent events in the '08 presidential campaign, it sounds a bit dated now. My apologies.)

Dear Sir (or possibly Madam - but hopefully Sir):

Eight years and two narrowly unsuccessful impeachment trials ago, I made a promise when I took office: that I would govern as a uniter, not a divider. And today, I can say with confidence that that promise has been fulfilled. American women are united by the renewed trust in their own bushes which I’ve inspired; Europe is firmly united against American intransigence (which I assume is French for “intrepid leadership”). Heck, I even reunited Dick Cheney with his beloved Girls Gone Wild: Spring Break DVD, which Lynn hid from him back in ‘02. All this while pursuing Al Quaeda on every continent (including their Antarctic stronghold) and winning a solid 60 percent of the preemptive wars I’ve launched. Last time I checked, that was a passing grade at both Harvard and Yale.

But don’t let my shrewd foreign policy overshadow my impressive domestic accomplishments. The prescription drug plan I engineered gives America’s seniors access to a health system at least as complicated as Finland’s, and possibly as good as Nicaragua’s. Meanwhile, the No Child Left Behind Act aims to ensure a bright future for our children by requiring a highly qualified teacher and a fully functional mechanical bull in every classroom in the nation by the year 2014. Critics say these bold initiatives are nothing but unfunded mandates that will bankrupt the country. I say: That’s Hillary’s problem now. Have fun crunching those budget numbers, Madam President.

And finally, allow me to remind you that, as far as surviving ex-presidents go, I’m probably your best bet. Bill’s doing his philanthropy work (or is it philandering work? He told me which one it was, but I can never keep ‘em straight); Jimmy’s busy with the peanut harvest; Gerry’s a good guy, but a little too brainy; and between you and me, dad can’t keep awake for more than about forty-five minutes at a stretch. Also, I’ve been hearing rumors lately that Ronny’s dead. But that’s probably just our liberally biased media talking.


Sincerely,

Pres. George Walker Bush